Birthday Giveaway!

Tomorrow’s my birthday – the best day of the year.  And this year, for my birthday, my list is rather simple:

    •  Sleep in
    •  Visit my favorite antique store
    •  Get pedicure  Thanks Merris!
    •  Buy some strange hoo-ha on eBay
    •  Eat something sinfully chocolate
    •  and… Laugh!

I’m off to a good start today with that pedicure, thanks to my SIL, Merris.  Seeing as I’m generally a short-nails, no-polish kind of gal, this was my first pedicure ever!  So, in honor of my first pedicure ever, I went all-out and authorized a celebratory sprig of flowers to bedeck my toes - white flowers, with red crystal centers.  Hours later, I’m still in debate over whether toe-flowers are ‘me’ or not - they sure are cute – toe wiggle – perhaps too cute? – toe wiggle.  And the lotion they used!  I’m not a lotion kind of gal either, but I'd sure like to get my hands (or feet) on some of that stuff!

As for the other items on the list, they’re all in the works.  In fact, I have big plans for that last one – the laugh - and, I’m counting on you.  OK, cut the prologue – JOKE CONTEST – right here, right now! Get me with your favorite joke or shaggy-dog story, and win your pick of these pears!

    Rule #1:    Nothing dirty or vulgar
    Rule #2:    No swearing (“¿!#*?!#” is fine)
    Rule #3:    No offense if I edit your joke for not following the rules

Tip:  I like dumb jokes too.  One of my all-time favorites is:
    Q:   “Why DIDN’T the chicken cross the road?”
    A:    “Because he was a chicken!”

Come on, humor me – literally.  Oh please?  It’s my birthday!

I’ll announce the winner sometime on Sunday Monday. (This is way too much fun!)

Comments

[Sarah]

I have some - but im in australia - but even if your not sending os - I have to share these as these crack me up - in such a bad way.

Why do cowboys wear boots?
So they dont hurt thier toes when they kick the bucket!

2 man walked into bar - you would think the second one would of ducked.

[Heather Bailey]

Ha! - Let the fun begin!

(and, of course, I'll ship overseas!)

[2paw]

Snap!! Happy Birthday!!
I like this joke :
Star Wars : Christmas time... Darth Vader say to Luke that he knows what Luke has got for Christmas. Puzzled, his son asks how?? Darth Vader replies : Luke, I have felt your presents!!! You have to do the voice to make it really work!!!

[Hildy]

Happy Birthday To You! Here goes:
What'd the pirate pay for his earring?
A buccanear ( a buck an ear)

[mo]

Wow, I think you just described my perfect day. From the pedicure to the antique store to the buying hoo ha on ebay. Perfect. Happy Birthday! August is a good month for a birthday. So here are my jokes. 1. What animals didn't come on the ark in pairs? Worms, they came in apples.
and 2.When things go wrong what can you always count on? Your fingers!
We are big fans of popsicle stick jokes over here. Hope you have a wonderful birthday!

[Kristy]

This joke was made up by a long since grown up little boy.He told the joke constantly for about 2 weeks and always got a laugh.So just imagine a dungaree wearing, sweet dimpled faced little fella is saying this!

Dimple face "What's green and looks like a pear?"
You "I don't know what's green and looks like a pear?"
Dimple face "Another pear!"

Did he make you laugh too?

[Kate]

This one always makes my Mum laugh.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Have a great birthday.

[margeeta]

Here's a couple cheesy ones:
Two muffins are sitting in an oven, one looks at the other and says, "boy it's hot in here." The other muffin screams, "Oh my god! A talking muffin!"
Three elephants fall out of an airplane, two hit land, one in water
bu...bump...cha (it works better if you say it out load).

[Sarah Leak]

Happy Birthday Heather. Can't wait for your fabric & patterns to be released.

This is a joke my 6 year daughter old told us at dinner the other night.

Why didn't the man die when he drank poison?

Answer: Because he was in the living room!

Made us all happy!

[Ruth singer]

Following on from brown and sticky:

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink Fluff.

It used to make a friend nearly wet herself laughing. We are simple people, the English. i should have come up with some dry british irony, but it's saturday morning and I just can't manage it without some gin first.

Have a greast day!

[Steph]

A girl sits down next to a guy in a bar "what's that your drinking?" guy:"magic beer" Girl: "prove it" so the guy takes a gulp gets up and flies around the room three times then sits back down. Girl "wow" to the bartender "i'll have what he's having". She gets the beer, drinks it down walks to the window and jumps, before falling. Bartender to guy "Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk"
I got told it differently, but can't remember those exact words, but it's basically the same joke. May be funnier in person. -shrugs- your pedicure turned out lovely, you have cute tootsies. i have been thinking, dreaming of a pedicure. for my poor overworked feet to be treated. Have a lovely birthday. Steph.
P.S. I have been reading your blog for a while now, never got around to actually leaving a comment. but i do love all your creations and your free patterns and tutorials - looking forward to testing them when I get my sewing machine back.

[Eva]

Happy belated birthday! I saw your pear on craftster and I couldnt resist, I love corny jokes, so here we go:
What kind of cheese cant you eat? Nacho Cheese (Not yo(ur) cheese, get it?)

Two green beans were walking down the street when one got hit by a car. They were rushed to the emergency room and the friend was impatiently waiting in the lobby when the doctor finally came out. "Sir, are you the friend of the bean that was hit by the car" to which the bean readily replied "Yes! Yes I am!". The doctor shook his head and humbly replied, "Ive got good news and bad news. The good news is that your friend will survive. The bad news is that he will be a vegtable for the rest of his life!" Ha ha ha ha!

[MissMeshell]

Why was the sand wet?

Because the sea weed.

*teehee* =P

[caroline]

Happy Birthday to you, Happy birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear Heather, Happy Birthday to you...

Here are two of my son's favourite jokes "Why did the skeleton burp in church? Because he didn't have the guts to fart". I think it is the use of the word fart that makes it so hilarious to a 7 year old.

"Why did the boy take a pencil to bed? To draw the curtains".

Have a fabulous day.

[justina]

Yay! Happy birthday to you!
I also am a big fan of the corny jokes, my most recent favourites:
Why did the punk cross the road?
Because it had a chicken nailed to it's head.
and
What do you call a man nailed to a wall?
Art.
I hope your day is wonderful!

[shannon]

Happy Birthday! I love the toes!
#1 - Why was 10 afraid of 7?
- Because 7 8 (ate) nine!
#2 - Did you hear about the pirate movie?
- it's rated AAARRRGGHHHH!

glad you like dumb jokes...

[Cyndi]

Happy birthday!

Here is St. Louis, as you may know, you must tell a joke on Halloween in order to get your treat. It was quite a shock for us Western kids... My ds has been telling this one for years:

How do you make friends with a squirrel?

Climb a tree and act like a nut!

[JD]

Love the pears!

Here we go -

What did the zero say the to eight?

Nice belt!

Have a great one.

[Natalie]

Not exactly a traditional joke (more like the "Deep Thoughts" that used to be on SNL), but something I came up with years ago:

"I just bet that if world peace breaks out someday, there'll be lots of parties around the world.

Then someone will get drunk and start a fight."

[Alicia W]

Hi Heather,
Love your blog. I just made my daughter a headband from your pattern this week. So easy and lovely!

Chloe is 6 and here are 3 of her favorite jokes:

Why did the chewing gum cross the road? Because it was stuck to the chicken's foot!

Where does the president hide his armies? In his sleevies!

and finally: Why did the cookie go to the doctor? Because he felt crumby!

I can't wait to tell her some of the jokes others have left for you.

Enjoy your day!

[Lissy]

I didn't read them all, but my dh's favorite is...

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says,

"Why suck a long face?"

[Lissy]

Darn it I messed up my own joke, even when it was written!

Not "SUCK" but "SUCH"!!!

Oh well, hope if the joke didn't make you laugh the amazing inability to tell a proper joke did!

Happy Birthday!

[Jessica Hood]

Oh I love your beautiful pears! Happy birthday!!! :)

Here's a silly one for you:
Q: How do monkeys get down the stairs?
A: They slide down the banana-ster!

[yamwam]

I love those pears! I simply must enter.

So there were these two fish in a tank, and one of them turns to the other and says, "So, do you know how to drive this thing?"

[Spring]

Happy Birthday!

Here's a joke that my daughter told me:

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground?

A: To get to the other slide.

And for (family friendly) chuckles check out these Star Trek motivational posters:

http://echosphere.net/star_trek_insp/star_trek_insp.html?trek

[suzanne]

(I've told this one a few times--it came from my irish in-laws. Always gets a laugh!)

From the State where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Carrick-on-suir Ireland.

Recently a routine Gardai (police) patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the Garda noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the carpark for a few minutes, with the Garda quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.

The Garda, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test.

To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the Garda said "I'll have to ask
you to accompany me to the Police station this Breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy!"

[Stacey]

A joke from the beloved Muppet Show that is still a favorite at my house...

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Elephino! (el-if-I know:)

Love those pears! And congratulations on the celebration pedicure - ultimate decadence!! Especially if you are eating chocolate or drinking fabulous tea during!!

[Jess]

Happy Birthday!

A few zoo-related jokes:

"A two-humped camel is called a bactrian. A one-humped camel is called a dromedary. A no-humped camel is called Humphrey."

Q: What did one horse say to the other horse on its birthday?
A: I wanted to sing happy birthday to you, but I'm a little horse (hoarse).

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: 'Unique' up on it!
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: 'Tame' way!

Q: Why is a giraffe's neck so long?
A: Because its head is so far away from its body!

And an anecdote:

A state trooper was sitting in his car on the side of the highway and he saw a man drive by with 27 monkeys in his car. The trooper pulled the man over, and told him that he couldn't drive around with all those monkeys in his car, he had to take them to the zoo. The man says "ok" and drives off.
The next day, the same state trooper is sitting on the same stretch of highway and he sees the same man with the same 27 monkeys drive by again. The trooper pulls him over and says "Hey buddy, I told you yesterday you had to take these monkeys to the zoo".

The man replies "I did take them to the zoo. We had a great time - today we're going to the beach!

[Alexandra]

Delurking, I really like your blog!

One from my husband, the master of silly jokes;

Great musicians never die, they just decompose.

[Susanna]

Happy Birthday Heather!!
Here's a joke for you:

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

Because it felt crumby!! :o)

[Robyn]

So, I don't do jokes, mostly because I'm silly enough on my own without the aid of a joke (blessing or curse, I don't know). So, instead I'll just leave you with Happy Birthday! Love the pictures and the toenails. Have a great day!

[Jessica]

How do you find Ronald McDonald in a nudist colony?
He's the only one with sesame seed buns.

This is the only joke I can ever remember and I love that it's such a groaner. Happy Birthday.

[laurie]

Happy Happy Birthday! Here are two silly little riddles for you're big day...

Why does a traffic light turn red? You would too if you had to change in front of so many people!

Where do Rabbits go when they get married? On their Bunnymoon!

[Dixie Lee]

I found your blog while looking for Yo-Yo ideas. What a treat!! Please let me play!!

My two all-time favorite knock knock jokes.

"Knock. Knock."
"Who's There?"
"Impatient Cow."
"Impatient C-----"
"MOOOOO!" (interrupt person)

And I love this one!!

"Want to hear a knock knock joke?"
"Sure." [only works if person agrees]
"Okay, you start."
"Knock, knock."
"Who's there?"
[silence as the victim realizes she has no idea who is there, but it's her turn!]

Thanks for a great laugh today and the yo-yo instructions.

[Mia]

Love your site. Just included a link to your bootie tutorial from my new blog, http://onehourcraft.wordpress.com

[Crystal T]

Happy Birthday!!

What do you get when you walk by a vampire and a snowman?

Frostbite! :)

Har har har...

[bekka]

happy birthday! hope this makes you groan or laugh:

did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshippper who sold his soul to santa?

[eireann]

Here's mine. Happy birthday!

A man goes into a bar and orders a double entendre. So the bartender gives it to him.

Is that too naughty? I love the wordplay.

[sally]

Happy Birthday Heather! Looks like you're celebrating it in style! [Love the toes, and I'm not a pedicure/lotion gal either.] I can only think of the joke my son and I like to tell:

A: Knock knock
B: Who's there?
A: Banana
B. Banana Who?
A: Knock Knock
B: Who's there?
A: Banana
B: Banana Who?
A: Knock Knock
B: Who's there?
A: Orange
B: Orange Who?
A: Orange you glad I didn't say Banana?

Silly/dumb joke, but I'm notorious for being a terrible joke teller.

[Samantha in VA]

Here's my favorite joke from when I was about....8 years old.

What's red and has teeth?
.
.
.
An apple!! I lied about the teeth..........

[Siew]

One guy at work always has groaner jokes. This one is his favorite (I hope I get it right, I always blow the jokes).

A dog limps into a saloon, goes up to the bartender and says "I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw".

[erin]

This is my favorite joke ever:

Why do radio announcers have small hands?
"We pause for station identification."

Wee paws? I'm laughing as I type this!
Hey, you said you like stupid jokes.
Happy Birthday!

[moki]

oh my heck! These jokes are funny. My mind is blank, too early in the morning.

I hope you had a fabulous day!

[Mandy]

Ok, my sister told me this joke last night, and I REALLY want a pear, so here goes:

So this pirate is roaming around the high seas looking for ships to plunder when his first mate runs up and says "Captain, I spy 4 English Galeons on the Horizon, what are your orders?" The Captain says "Fetch me my red shirt and prepare for battle!!!". The first mate grabs the captain's red shirt, and the pirates procede to board all 4 english ships and steal all of their treasure.

The next night the pirate captain is standing on the deck when his first mate runs up and says "Captain, I spy 6 English galeons on the Horizon, what are your orders?" The captain again says "fetch me my red shirt and prepare for battle!" and just like the night before, the pirates easily capture all of the ships single-handed and steal all of their treasure. After this miraculous battle, the first mate asks the captain "so what's up with the red shirt, is it lucky or something?". The captain replies "I wear a red shirt to battle so if I'm injured my crew won't notice and will keep fighting with all of their strength!" The first mate is very impressed and goes back to work.

The very next night, the first mate runs up to the captain and says "Captain, I spy 20 English galeons on the horizon, what are your orders?!?". The captain, in a very small voice replies "Bring me my brown pants..."

Tee hee :)

[Christa H.]

Happy Birthday!

Ok- here's my cheesy one:

What did the felted hat say to the hat rack?
"You stay here, I'll go on ahead"

[Amy]

A very Happy Birthday to you! I can't think of a better way to start off a Saturday than with a laugh. This is a very silly one but that's the theme and I love the idea.

Where do snowmen go to dance?
A snowball!

Have a lovely, joyous day.

[Michelle]

Okay, my daughter says I have to put this down...

What did one car say to the other car?
Nothing, silly, cars don't talk!

And here's one from me because it's your birthday...

What's the best thing about turning 104?
No peer pressure!

Hope you have a terrifically indulgent day, filled with mounds of chocolate and other delightful desserts.

[Katie]

Delurking to say how much I love your blog and share a bad joke I learned from my son:

What did the momma buffalo say to her younger buffalo when he went off to graze in the meadow?

Bye, son! (Get it, bison?? hee, hee...)

Happy birthday!!

[Christina]

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fish!

[Christina]

What did Buddha say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.